The Pandemic of Grief
More than a year of death from Covid is requiring us to speak about death. How do we address the situation we find ourselves in, the grief pandemic, as others have called it? How do we talk about it? Acknowledge it? Honor those that have departed and those that are grieving?
In the 1800’s, mourning etiquette required the woman to wear black from 2 to 4 years as the representative to express the grief of the family. Putting on black every day for so long was a huge reminder of the passing of a loved one. Everyone else also knew they were in mourning and were respectful of that. Widowers would wear a black armband for 3 to 6 months. Children that lost a parent would wear white for up to a year, white representing purity. A mother mourning the death of her child would wear black for a year. Mourning times for other relations varied. Mourning ritual etiquette was very prescribed. With all the deaths we have had from Covid, one in three people in this country has been affected by deaths of loved ones. That’s one-third of the population — 110 million people. This pandemic is requiring us to speak about death, to address it, to share our feelings about the loss of our loved ones. Most of those that died from Covid were alone. This makes it even harder to realize the finality of it all. It leaves people in limbo with their mourning. This is the same situation that families had during the Civil War, when loved ones who died in a battle would not come home, although then there were still rituals to follow.
We need to create rituals again. A gathering or ceremony is a help — having others to share in the grieving. A Memorial via Zoom is helpful during this time. I helped plan one recently and it was very moving. It was modeled on a Quaker Meeting. Music and photos opened the program. Everyone was welcomed by the spouse of the deceased. I read some spiritual selections and then many shared their remembrances of the deceased. It was very warm, heart-felt and joyful. At the end, we were put into smaller breakout rooms where we got to share with each other. The hour and a half ceremony was a heartfelt way to honor the deceased and connect with each other.
Creating an annual Covid Memorial Day on March 1st is a wonderful start, but it’s not enough for everyone grieving day in and day out. Grief and mourning are an on-going process. I’m not advocating we all wear black for the next 2 to 4 years, but we need to hold in our hearts and minds the awareness of the loss of so many. So many that it seems overwhelming. If we all share in the act of mourning, we can support each other in this time. We need to have compassion for those mourning their loved ones. We are all part of the human family, so they are our loss, too. We have all been affected by the huge number deaths. How do we honor their passing?
There were towns in Italy and England that created memorials for those that had died from Covid. One town had everyone that had lost someone collect a river rock and write their name on it. They created a beautiful tower out of all these rocks in a space where people could gather to remember their loved ones. The Memorial that President Biden created at the reflecting pool was very moving, as was the ceremony with all the candles at the White House to honor and note the 500,000 deaths, however these were not permanent. Perhaps, we can create memorials closer to home and work with our towns to design meaningful representations.
How do we talk about death? Back in the 1800’s, death was commonplace. People died at home surrounded by their family. It was unsurprising that children died, and women died in childbirth. Death was a common experience that people shared. People talked about death, but they didn’t talk about sex. Today, we talk about sex but don’t talk about death. This pandemic is requiring us to change that, to have conversations with each other about what we want for our death and to know what our family members desire for theirs. It is also requiring us to learn how to speak to those that are mourning. What do you say? I always acknowledge the loss: “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m here if you want to talk or share what you are experiencing now”. Share a memory with them that you recall about the person that died. It is comforting to hear others remember their loved one. Grief is a journey, one where we need to allow the feelings that arise, to be with them. Only by feeling our feelings of grief can we dive deep into the grieving and then come out to the living again. Resisting keeps us stuck and we can’t move forward. Bring them a candle or flowers or a plant. It’s not always about what you say, but how you can support your friends and relatives to allow them to speak about their loved ones. Just to sit with them can be so helpful and loving. When my husband died suddenly of a heart attack, my friend came to keep me company that evening. She just sat with me while I adjusted to the change in my life. That’s the thing — we are left to adjust to the change and that takes time.
There has been so much loss beyond the huge number of deaths. We need to acknowledge the grief from these losses, too. It is so important to honor the feelings of loss. Create a ritual that honors this loss. It could be a space you create with pictures of what is now gone. Having a way to concretely focus your grief and loss helps acknowledge the sadness and longing of what is no more. We all have experienced these losses. Share your feelings with others that you are close to, or start writing a journal with your thoughts and feelings to get it out of your head.
When I have had a loved one die, I have always created an altar in my home. It’s a way to focus and honor my grief. I create a space in my home on a table, or a mantle with some photos, a candle, a plant or some flowers. I always add some crystals or found objects like heart-shaped rocks or a feather. As a ritual, I light a candle every night to remember my loved one. I’ve kept these altars up for weeks and even months. I created a special altar for a ceremony to honor the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s death. We toasted with his wine and ate an hors d’oeuvre of goat cheese and apricot chutney that he loved. Grief doesn’t end, but it does lessen and rise up less frequently over time. And still, something will trigger us, and we are washed over with grief. It can be even years later, and grief will arise again. Our job is to allow the feelings, the emotions that come like a wave over us. To honor those feelings and to remember that the love always remains.
